Conviction

First things first.  Since Blogger is through Google, I thought I might recreate my blog using my Gmail instead of AOL.  Anyway, onto the first post of Scott's Shots 2.0.

This past Sunday's sermon was very convicting for me because it is something I constantly struggle with: forgiveness.  I don't forgive everyone easily.  Some are easier to forgive than others.  For example, it is pretty easy for me to forgive my wife and kids.  I know they love me and don't mean to hurt me.  Plus since I see them all the time, we are able to work through and deal with any problems that we may have.

However, it can be much harder for me to forgive other depending on who they are and what they did.  For example, I still hold a small grudge against a girl from jr. high for scribbling on the back of my shirts almost everyday in middle school.  I hold a grudge against my high school baseball coach for not giving me more playing time my only year on varsity (and not because I was a senior but because I know I could have proven myself if given the opportunity).  I hold a grudge against those who have abused those I love in the past.  Fortunately that never happened to me, but it seems like it is way too common based on the number of people I know who have been through some really bad things (that nobody deserves).  I even hold a grudge against those who left our church because they didn't agree with some of the budget cuts that were made, granted no budget cuts are ever easy.  I hold a grudge against the boss that fired me in 2007, although I think I'm having the last laugh now as I have the best job I have ever had right now.  I'm sure if I spent more time thinking about pains of the past and present that I could add quite a bit to this list, but I think you get the point.

I really wish I could forgive some people, but I tend to feel vengeful in my heart against those who wrong me and those I care about.  I just feel like I can't, and I know that's not what God wants.  As a matter of fact, it's the opposite of what He wants. Fortunately it hasn't gotten to the point where I cause harm to others as a result of my feeling, but I know, as a father and husband, that if someone hurts my girls or wife, it maybe very hard to keep full control of myself, depending on what happens. 

I think I have mentioned in the past, and I know I did when I spoke at the Men's Breakfast, that since having gone through my depression 4+ years ago, I feel as if my "heart has hardened."  I definitely know I am more emotional since then, but when I get upset, I can get very upset depending on the situation.  having experienced the thoughts I did during depression, I know unfortunately realize that some of the thoughts that occasionally run through my head when I'm upset cannot be considered pleasant is any way and are thoughts I don't remember having prior to depression.  I guess it's part of the scarring from that whole experience.

It feels like this will be something I struggle with for the foreseeable future, which is not a good thing because of a good point brought up by the Interim Preaching Pastor (our Senior Pastor retired at the end of 2013) at our church: we are all ambassadors for God.  That is hard to think of when some not-so-positive thougths are running through my head and I want to act out.  However, I think there are also times when I am a good ambassador for Him. 

In the past I have seriously thought about getting a shirt or two to represent God as I go about my daily stuff.  The one thing that has prevented me from following through with that is that I don't what will set me off or when, and I don't want to wind up going off on someone while I'm wearing a shirt like that.  I would be epitomize the stereotype some have of Christians being hypocrites.

So as I said, this is a constant struggle for me, and hopefully someday I'll be able to change.  Right now does not feel like that time, and if I'm completely honest, I'm feel no hurry to change.